Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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