Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
