nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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