i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
