Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
