The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
