He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
