Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
