It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
