I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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