She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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