A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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