Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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