Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
