My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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