life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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