whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
