From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
