my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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