I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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