Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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