Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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