8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
