just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
