took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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