You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
