News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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