My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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