I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I checked into jail on foursquare
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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