He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
