My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
