This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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