I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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