Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
