just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Lo siento on account of my penis...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
