I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
