you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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