Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
