she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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