last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
