i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Found your dick twin last night
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
