My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
