she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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