Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
