so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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