I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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