True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
