I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
