I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
