Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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