Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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