I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
