Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
