any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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