How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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