I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
