I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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