i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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