brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
