the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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