Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
